Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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