I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
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