I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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