I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
