dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
