I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize