I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize