You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize