I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
40s are totally the cure
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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