Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
