I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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