i think my tv is drunk
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
