Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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