i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
