hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My pussy is not your playground.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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