i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My feet surprised me
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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