Sponge bath it is.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
