Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
We smell like vodka and hangover
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