Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
