I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
