I want you more than these girls want KFC
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
there is glitter all over my balls
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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