so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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