We need to rekindle our bromance
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
