did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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