I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Little spoons don't ask big questions
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
