apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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