she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
