I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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