Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
