My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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