I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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