WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
