I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
