All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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