Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
