I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
