She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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