I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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