Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
