so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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