hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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