you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize