i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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