I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize