how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
