is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
