I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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