That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
