dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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