We're facebook friends in real life
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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