so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
