Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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