So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
