Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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