when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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