I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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