quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
