how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
