Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
